Shouting 'Fire!' in a Crowded...Plane?

I suppose I should acknowledge the historic nature of this departure this morning. And no, not just the date. For the first time in Ellen's living memory, she actually slept before departing on an adventure. Uh. 2 hours tops with a 5am panicked packing job prior to a 6am departure. But progress. 

(Baby steps. The furry vest helps, I find.)

But Ellen does it! With no small contribution from a dashing young gentleman, I make it to the airport at zero dark thirty with plenty of time to spare. Which of course is why I decided to take the scenic lap into the terminal, complete with an ADD/lost puppy reenactment, with the aforementioned gentleman laughing hysterically as I struggle I find the entrance that literally could not have been closer to the front on my face. It's a good thing I don't rely on observational skills daily.

But again, success. After PR-ing in my security leg of the airport pentathlon, I make it and board my plane where I promptly pass out as I prepare to start plane leg 1 of 3 to get to Lima. [Fade to black as Ellen gives an Oscar-nod-though-tragically-snubbed noteworthy performance of drooling zombie.]

(Just replace the brains with drool and this is picture perfect)

I awake as gracefully as a bleating sheep as we touch down, and batting my bloodshot eyes, I glance out the window and see this:

(Shit. They found me.)

Well this isn't good. I'm no plane expert but I'm pretty sure this isn't standard welcome fare for anyone except the Human Torch. Maybe today's date 12/13/14 is the start of some horrible Nicholas Cage movie plot.

Turns out there was an electrical fire in the cockpit, that filled the cabin with smoke and was starting a mild panic and resulted in an emergency rerouting to Dulles Airport. Which I totally noticed and didn't sleep though entirely. 

Disaster Awareness. Some of us have it, some of us don't.

Fast forward 2 hours. We've all missed our connecting flights. One guy had a panic attack and wanted to "get off this death trap." The line to get new flights is about the length of the Great Wall of China and the average time per customer is 25 min. I slowly watch the clock, feeling every tick of the second hand stabbing my chances of catching my (separately booked) flight to Peru, draining it of all life like a stuck pig.

Not to mention, the desk lady made Congressional budget bills look like Usain Bolt on crack.

(Dolla Dolla bills y'all.)

Delving into my tradecraft arsenal, I assessed the situation, determined a plan of action, and resorted to standing around looking pitiful. Some of us have shame. Lo and behold it worked! A older lady working another desk took pity on me and my pathetic-ness, and found an adorable old American Airlines operative to help me. And he did!!! Despite the fact I was on a one-way US Airways domestic ticket to Miami, he assumed control of my entire Peru itinerary, canceling my Avianca flight to Lima, and rerouting me instead through Houston and onwards to Peru. A $1500 flight without any extra cost to me. I gave him a hug. And then ruined the moment a few minutes later by prancing past the original line yelling "suckassss!"

So now I sit here in Houston about to finally leave the country. I get in at 1:30am and have a 6am flight out to Cuzco so I may just sleep in the airport. If they let me. Hopefully I can find my brother tomorrow, sans phone. It's always an adventure.

Tune in next time to find out if Ellen survives being homeless in Lima! I'm tying my scarf into a hobo bag, I can't wait.

[Update: My AA dude ...American Airlines not the other AA got me a sick seat!! Window AND leg room AND priority boarding. I love people.]